


Jesse

by CantSpeakFae



Series: The Scars Souvenir [4]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Episode revision, Mentions of pre-canon kissage, Written from Xander's P.O.V, mentions of child abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 11:35:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18120017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CantSpeakFae/pseuds/CantSpeakFae
Summary: Well, who has room for masculinity when you’re about to come face to face with your dead friend?





	Jesse

“They’re close.”  
  
Xander can hear the note of impatience in Buffy’s tone, even underneath the explanation. He grits his teeth. He _knows_ that she doesn’t want him down here, maybe for his own sake, but he also knows that she doesn’t know Jesse. Xander knows him, though. He’s his best friend, the only person he can tell _everything_ to. The details that he spares from Willow, Jesse listens to it all and then keeps it a secret like he’s taking it from Xander’s mind and storing it into his own. All without ever complaining or acting like it weighs on him and Xander could kiss him for that and Xander could love him for everything and the thought of losing him…  
  
“How can you tell?” He asks, out loud, keeping those thoughts to himself.  
  
Buffy gestures downward. “No more rats.”   
  
It’s not like Xander can see if that’s true or not. So, he raises his flashlight and turns it on, looking ahead. There’s someone curled up on the ground, a familiar head of brunette hair and Xander wants to scream and he wants to laugh but he does neither and just shouts -  
  
“Jesse!”   
  
“Oh, no!”   
  
Buffy’s already fearing the worst, but Xander won’t let himself. And then Jesse twitches. He jumps up, he cowers, and Xander’s heart soars. He’s alive! He’s okay! Oh, god. He could pass out on the spot, but he doesn’t. He just looks at him, drinks it in. He didn’t lose him. He thought...but, oh god, everything’s fine.  
  
“J-J-Jesse!”   
  
“Xander!”   
  
Xander’s legs are moving before his mind can. He’s running at Jesse like he has half a mind to tackle him to the floor and Jesse meets him halfway, shaking like a leaf, and Xander hugs him tightly and silently promises not to let go; promises that he’ll never lose his friend like this, again.   
  
“Jesse, man, are you okay?” He asks, frantically, wanting to look him over. If Buffy wasn’t there, right now, he’d probably be making him strip. He’d look for bruises the way that Jesse sometimes did for him, when they were alone in Jesse’s room, counting them with gentle touches and sympathetic noises and promises that one day they’d both get out of this town. But Buffy is there so he doesn’t.   
  
“I am not okay, on an  _epic_  scale.”   
  
Buffy shines the flashlight downward, away from Jesse’s face and to the shackle that’s around Jesse’s ankle. Xander hadn’t even noticed, and something like rage boils up in him, hot and hard to hold back. Stupid, freaky vampires! What kind of weirdo fuckin’ villains chain people up underground?!   
  
“We gotta get out of here,” Jesse says, frantically, tugging on Xander’s arm.   
  
“It’s cool,” Xander promises, squeezing his arm reassuringly. “Buffy’s a superhero.”   
  
“Hold on…” Buffy said, taking her cue. Xander took half a step back, watching as Buffy snapped through the chain like it was nothing and feeling slightly...impressed. He tugged Jesse away from the chain that’d been holding him prisoner and looked around.   
  
“Do you think anyone heard that?”   
  
Maybe it was dumb to ask that, because shadows started moving on the walls, moving toward them, and footsteps thundered. Vampires coming ‘round the corner with their weird faces and their weird fangs and Xander feels a pang of fear deep down inside of him. How long has this shit been happening?  
  
“They knew you were gonna come. They said that I...I was the bait.”   
  
Exasperated, Xander just stared at him. “Oh, great. Now you tell us.”   
  
They took off running, rounding a corner and coming face to face with more weird faced oogities.   
  
“Oops!”   
  
“Oh, no, no, no, no!” Jesse said. He threw his arm out, surprising Xander, shoving him back.   
  
“Do you know another way out?”   
  
“I dunno. Maybe. C'mon!”  
  
They run. Xander’s not sure what’s louder, their footsteps or the pounding of his own heart. Thump-thump-thump-thump - GLOWING EYES?! Jesus, what could be more cliche? Xander’s about to shout at his buddy for leading them right to the creepiest part of the movie when he suddenly twisted, his face lightening up with an epiphany and if he suddenly knows the way out, Xander could just kiss him.   
  
“Wait, wait. They brought me through here, there, there should be a way up. I hope!”  
  
Jesse leads them into a chamber. It’s dark and there’s no visible way out and Xander starts feeling like shoving him, again, and less like kissing him. How does anyone cope with this much fear all at once?   
  
“I don't think this is the way out!”   
  
Desperation in Buffy’s voice does nothing to soothe the panic in Xander.  
  
“We can't fight our way back through those things. What do we do?”  
  
“I got an idea.”  
  
Oh, thank god. Jesse coming back with the save, Xander knew he could count on - Oh, FUCK.   
  
His face.   
  
Xander scrambled back, horrified as it contorted. Bumpy forehead, sharp teeth, the works. No. No, no, no, no, no. Not Jesse. Not his Jesse. No. This is a dream. This is a nightmare. C’mon, real Xander, wake up. Wake up, please. Not Jesse.   
  
But it is Jesse, snarling at Buffy. “You can die!”  
  
Xander opens his mouth. He gapes like a fish and his eyes sting and he trips over the words that leave his mouth. “J-Jesse, man. I’m sorry.”   
  
They weren’t fast enough. They shouldn’t have ever left him. Buffy shouldn’t have... they got Willow back, but Jesse. Oh, god. Was he scared? Did it hurt? Xander wants to ask, but he can’t say anything else. He’s silenced by the way that Jesse looks at him, no traces of humanity in his dark eyes.  
  
“Sorry? I feel good, Xander! I feel strong! I'm connected, man, to everything!”  
  
Buffy started to struggle with the door, trying to close it, clearly figuring that their odds against one vampire is better than their odds with a whole group of them. Xander should be helping, but all he can do is stare at Jesse, mesmerized and horrified.  
  
“I - I can hear the worms in the earth!” Jesse told him, gleefully. Swelling with pride, _delighted_ to be some freaky kinda monster, now.   
  
“That’s a plus.”   
  
Xander doesn’t have any of Jesse’s enthusiasm. He doesn’t have any feeling at all, really. Terror’s numbed him completely and he still feels like he’s dreaming, only now he’s sure that he’s not going to wake up. Maybe he’s the one who died. Maybe this is hell.   
  
“I know what the Master wants.” Jesse purred. He actually _purred_. Xander had never heard his friend make that sound before. Had never imagined... “I'll serve his purpose. That means you die. And I feed.”  
  
“Xander, the cross!” Buffy shouted back at him, bringing Xander back to his better senses. Well, better than the sense he had been having. He fumbled with the cross, lifting it up and holding it in Jesse’s face. Jesse stepped back like Xander had just raised an invisible forcefield and _growled_. He GROWLED at Xander.   
  
“Jesse, man. We’re buds. Don’t you remember?”   
  
Please remember. Please remember the sleepovers and the play-pretends. Video games and comic books and stolen snacks. Please remember the copying of homework from Willow, the beach trips, the I-Hate-Cordelia-Club, the time they kissed each other just to see what it’d be like. Remember any of it. Remember all of it - just give him a sign that something of his friend is still in there.   
  
But Jesse doesn’t. He just grins. “You’re like a shadow to me now.”   
  
Those words hurt more than anything else that he could have said. Being reduced to nothing. Being told that he doesn’t matter. Xander’s expression gets grim.  
  
“Then get outta my face!”   
  
Jesse lunged, knocking his cross-wielding arm to the side and smacking him into the wall. Oh, jeez, he got strong. Why does he get to be dead and strong? He tries to follow him, but Jesse is  _fast_ now, too, and he jumped to the other side of the room, facing Xander, teeth bared and ready to lunge - ready to  _kill_ \- but Buffy reacts first. She grabbed Jesse from behind, a fistful of his shirt, and propelled him forward, throwing him out of the chamber and into the hall to knock down the approaching vampires like a game of Slayer bowling.   
  
“Help me!” She shouted at him, exasperated when she started to try and close the door again and Xander jumped forward in a daze, shoving the door forward with her and nearly costing a vampire his arm in the process. Buffy slammed it shut and closed the latch, and Xander took a staggering step back, listening to the pounding on the door, wondering how long it’d take them to break it down and whether or not dying hurts and what his parents would think if he never came home.   
  
“We need to get out of here!”  
  
“There is no out of here!” He snapped, but he grabbed the flashlight again, anyway, and used it to look around. No other doors, no windows, no noth - hey, look! A grate!  
  
“Up there!”   
  
Buffy’s agile and fast. Xander can hardly keep his focus on her as she leaps up on top of a barrel and pries the grate open. Behind them, the freaky undead gang are _bending_ the door. Twisting and pushing it to pry their way in. Buffy yanked the grate open and Xander could just faint in relief if that didn’t mean dying.  
  
“Go!”   
  
She didn’t have to tell _him_ twice. A vampire starts to struggle through the door, making actual progress and Xander leaps up, letting Buffy help him go through into what must be a ventilation duct, and he’s crawling like mad by the time that fanged-wonder gets the latch of the door undone. Not fast enough, though. He can feel Buffy behind him and the vampire behind _her_. He crawls faster, panic pushing him forward.

Not dying today!

Not dying today! 

Tot Nying doday!

Willow still needs him and he can’t make her lose both him and Jesse at once.   
  
There’s a ladder. Xander books for it and starts climbing. Buffy’s right on his tail, but the vampire is still behind her and Xander launches himself at the manhole cover, adrenaline somehow making it easier to push the thing outta the way so they can get through. He turns on his heel, grabbing Buffy’s hands to pull her out, but the other guy’s got her ankle and seems determined to pull her back down. Back into the darkness.   
  
“Xander, pull!”   
  
Jeeze, what does she think he’s trying to do? Their hands are clammy and it’s hard and he’s exhausted and for a second, he thinks he’s not going to be able to do it. But Jesse’s face is still clear in his mind and everything in him screams “NO!”. He’s not losing someone else. Not to these fucking freaks. Not today. He pulls, hard, and pulls Buffy out, along with the hand of the vampire. The dude hisses and yanks his hand back when it’s exposed to the sun, skin sizzling, and Xander and Buffy fall back onto the ground, tangled together.   
  
Xander stares up, at the sky, at the blinding sun that just saved their asses and he fights back the urge to cry.   
  
“Jesse...”   


* * *

  
He doesn’t say anything to Buffy during the march back to the library. He’s kinda dazed, honestly. Torn between the world he _thought_ they lived in and the world that took his friend, chewed him up, and spit him back out as some kinda undead, freaky monster.   
  
Willow’s the first thing he sees when they step back into the library. Her face lights up with worry and hope and concern all at once and Xander just wants to throw himself at her. He wants to hug her and hold her and cry because she’s the only other person in the world who’s going to get how he’s feeling. But he doesn’t do any of that. Just keeps his distance, standing away like that’ll make it easier to tell her.   
  
“Did you find Jesse?” She asks, so hopeful that it hurts.  
  
“Yeah,” Xander says. It’s all he can say. But it’s enough. Willow can tell what he’s not saying and the look in her eyes nearly destroys him all over again. Her voice is so small and wavers when she asks, “W-was he dead?”   
  
“Worse.”   
  
Buffy strolled forward and sat at the end of the table. Her voice is morose, but not defeated, and a mean, bitter part of Xander wonders if that was because she didn’t know Jesse, yet. If it didn’t matter as much to her. The rest of him squashes that. It’s not fair to blame her - she didn’t know. None of them did.   
  
“I’m sorry, Willow. We were too late. And they were waiting for us.” Buffy continued, sparing Xander from having to say it.”   
  
“At least you two are okay.”   
  
That sends a sharp spike of loathing through Xander. At least THEY were okay? Who cares about them? Who cares about HIM? He was never half the man Jesse was. Never meant as much. Why is he the one still breathing? Why is he here? Overwhelmed, he kicks a wastebasket. Hard. It skitters across the floor and he feels like screaming, but there’s not enough energy in him to muster that sound.   
  
Buffy flinched when he kicked the wastebasket and they’re both staring at him, now.   
  
“I don’t like vampires,” Xander says, slowly. “I’m gonna take a stand and say they’re not good.”   
  
No one knows what to say to that and it’s just as well because Xander doesn’t know what he would have followed that up with. Buffy turns to Giles, instead. They start talking the worst. The end of the world. But Xander can’t keep up with it. The world already ended, as far as he was concerned. He drifts in and out of the conversation, until they start talking opening a Hellmouth and that jerks him right back into it.   
  
“It’s a sort of, um, portal between this reality and the next. This vampire hopes to open it.”   
  
“Bring the demons back,” Buffy concluded.   
  
“End the world,” Xander said, feeling sick to his stomach.   
  
“But he blew it! Or, I mean, there was an earthquake that swallowed half the town, and him too.”   
  
“You see, opening dimensional portals is a tricky business. Odds are he got himself stuck, rather like a, uh, cork in a bottle.”  
  
“And this Harvest thing is to get him out.”  
  
Gee, that’s cheerful. Bring back the guy who wants hell on Earth, so Xander can watch everyone else he loves get eaten. Or, maybe he’ll go first. That’d be better. Selfish, maybe, but better.  
  
“It comes once in a century, on this night. The Master can draw power from one of his minions while it feeds. Enough power to break free and open the portal. The minion is called the Vessel, and he bears this symbol.”  
  
He draws a three-pointed star on the whiteboard. Xander stares at it, like looking at it long enough would give it any meaning or maybe remind him of someone who was wearing it. No dice.  
  
“So, I dust anyone sporting that symbol and no Harvest?”  
  
“Simply put, yes.”  
  
“Any idea where this little get-together is being held?” Buffy asked, leaning forward.   
  
“There, there are a number of possibilities.” Giles started to stammer out. And Xander wanted to laugh. No, no there really wasn’t.   
  
“They’re goin’ to the Bronze.” He said, and everyone turned to look at him. Staring like they’re surprised he guessed so quickly.  
  
“A-Are you sure?”  
  
“Come on,” Xander said. It was the only place in all of Sunnydale where a whole buncha people would be. Anyone from age thirteen to age twenty-five, at least. The Bronze was the cool hangout space for everyone. “All those tasty young morsels all over the place? Anyway, that's where Jesse's gonna be, trust me.”   
  
And that’s what it really comes down to, for him. Jesse. No one calls him on it, though. Giles just grabs his coat and Xander guesses it’s go time.   
  
He just hopes he can deal with his next encounter with Jesse.  


* * *

  
“We gotta get in there before Jesse does something stupider than usual.”   
  
They’re stuck. Outside and looking at having a hard time finding their way in. Xander’s bouncing on the balls of his feet, all nervous energy and anger that he can’t quite cope with. **Jesse**. **Jesse**. **Jesse**. It’s the name playing over and over like it’s his _heartbeat_. How cheesy is that? Well, who has room for masculinity when you’re about to come face to face with your dead friend?   
  
But Giles rounds on him. He seems to know what Xander is thinking, or at least what he’s feeling, and his voice is sharp. Harsh. Not at all the easy comforting that Xander is thinking he’s needing.   
  
“You listen to me! Jesse is dead!” The words sting. They hit Xander like the buckle of his dad’s belt when Tony grips the wrong end before hitting Xander. Leaving bruises rather than welts but hurting so much more than the usual sting. “You have to remember that when you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that killed him.”   
  
Xander wants to throw up.  


* * *

  
“Hold still! You're not making this easy!”   
  
Jesse’s got Cordelia. His face is all weird again, and Xander swallows hard, coming up behind him with a stake in hand. If you’d told him two days ago that there’d ever come a time where he sided with _Cordelia_ over Jesse, he would have said you were crazy. But just look at him now. Things really do change.   
  
“Jesse, man! Don’t make me do it!”   
  
Jesse turned, looking at Xander. All fangy and yellow-eyed...but still him. Still Jesse.  
  
“Buddy!” He exclaims. He lets go of Cordelia and rounds on him, instead. Xander grips the stake harder, already forgetting what Giles said. That can’t be true. That IS still Jesse. Just a little mixed up is all.   
  
“Jesse! I know there’s still part of you in there.”   
  
Jesse jumped up to his level. “Okay… let’s deal with this. Jesse was an excruciating loser who couldn't get a date with anyone in the sighted community! Look at me. I'm a new man!”   
  
He is a new man. A strong man. He grabs Xander by his jacket and lifts him up, then around, and pins him to a wall. It’s sheer luck that Xander hasn’t dropped the stake. Luck that he has it pointed at Jesse’s chest. Jesse notices and laughs in his face.  
  
“Oooh! Alright. Put me out of my misery.” He taunts, sneering. “You don't have the guts.”  
  
Jesse’s right. Xander doesn’t have the guts. He probably never will. He can’t. He can’t. He -  
  
Someone’s running away. They crash into Jesse and shove him forward, impaling him on the stake. Xander lets go of it like it burns and Jesse falls back. He’s ashes before he can even hit the floor and Xander doesn’t even feel it when two vampires grab him and drag him away. He’s going to die and he thinks he deserves it.   
  
He just killed his best friend.

.

.

.  
  
_No one talks about him, after. They just let go, like it never happened. But Xander never forgets and the nightmares never seem to stop._

 


End file.
